Dr. Chakwas’ Helpful Healing Hole

Hello Readers! Do you often find yourself pestered by small maladies and want to know the best way to treat them? Here at Dr. Chakwas’ Helpful Healing Hole, I have all the remedies to cure what ails you. Years of experience treating space marines has made me the best doctor in the fleet for humans and aliens alike! Enough about me though, let’s get to your letters.

 Dear Dr. Chakwas,

I have a terrible rash in my…well, lady parts, that itches and burns a lot. What should I do?

Sincerely, The Itchy Miss

That’s simple TIM. Rub medigel on it.

Dear Dr. Chakwas,

While making love to my human friend, I exposed my weakened immune system to lots of bacteria and am now very ill. I’ve been taking lots of Nyquil, but the inside of my helmet is still covered in snot from all my sneezing. Any tips to help me get over this faster?

Sincerely, Totally A Loogie Yes

Well, TALY, there’s lots of things you could try: herbal teas, vitamin supplements, immuno boosters…but I think the best thing would be to just rub some medigel on it.

Dear Dr. Chakwas,

Ooooh I’m hurt. I’m hurt real bad. My shields went down and then bullets from a turret hit me fast and before I knew it I was down and bleeding out. I don’t think any of my teammates can get here in time. I’m gonna die. Oh god what should I do?

Sincerely, Two Weeks From Retirement

Don’t panic, TWFR. One thing in the universe can stop the bleed and get you back fighting again in no time.


Rub some medigel on it.

Dear Dr. Chakwas

My bones are incredibly fragile and easily broken. It really sucks. Got anything for that?

Sincerely, Smarmy Ass Pilot


Jeff I told you not to write to my column anymore.

That’s all the letters for today folks! And don’t forget, my cure for a broken heart is always serrice ice brandy! Goodbye!






Dear Mass Effect 3 Multiplayer Participant,

We have received your request to use your powers during cooldown. After careful review, we regret to inform you that it has been denied. If you still wish to use your powers, they will be available again after the short, mandatory waiting period. You may request the waiting period be waived by hammering Y on your controller repeatedly, but these requests will also be denied.

Sorry if you die.

Not really.






Dear Bioware,




Dizzy Shep’s Demo Reel

So last Tuesday, when I busy strutting around in my muscle shirt, something else important happened. The demo for Mass Effect 3 went up for everyone who didn’t have Battlefield 3 or feel like dicking around with codes or whathaveyou. I downloaded it and played and really enjoyed it but I think we all know that no demo is going to hold me. Here’s some stuff though, I would’ve liked in the demo that wasn’t there…Dizzy Shepard-style.

First off, I couldn’t quite get my hair to look right. I’m not sure why. I considered just shaving it off entirely, and going with the buzz cut, making my eyebrows purple, and putting on dark lipstick. I wanted a look that said to everyone that I have just given up and I do not care what anyone thinks.

Like that maybe.

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#LastGreatHope (Get Your Hashtags Here)

Earlier, my cohort Gem posted about her exploits on #TeamVanguard, as they all charged things for several waves and then around wave 8 were all simultaneously murdered by turrets. I have also been playing more than my fair share of ME3 multiplayer. Which is to say it’s been consuming my life. I’m a little terrified for the full version to come out honestly. The demo is I two maps. Two maps, one enemy, and I cannot stop playing it. I am actually thinking about stopping writing this right now to get on and play more.

I’ve unlocked and played a few different characters but I am most attached to the one I started with, a lime green female infiltrator. The first few rounds I froze everything with my cryoblast, feeling a little lost with my usual infiltrator perk of time slowing down when I zoom in on a guy and then suddenly I began hammering away on my tactical cloak and I became an invisible monster on the battlefield.

I’ve also learned that I have some mad-crazy survival instincts or something as I will often push myself to near-death before cloaking and running somewhere safe. Because of this instinct/ability though, I am very often the last one alive when my other teammates go down. And if I can’t get to them in time to revive them, it’s up to me to finish off the wave of enemies by my lonesome.

This has happened to me several times now.

I have thus been dubbed the Last Great Hope. I no longer need other cardio exercise because my heart pounds hard enough from this. After the rest of my team wipes and are in spectator mode, watching me, the pressure to carry them is intense and want very badly to save us all. I am stabbing a guy and cloaking and running away as fast as I possible can. Cloaking again, popping around a corner, shooting a guy. Listening on my headset as my team cheers me on, as they listen to me and my soundtrack of “SHIT! RUN AWAY!”

In that same regard, if you are ever on a team with me and hear me singing heist/spy music to myself, just go with it. It helps me.


You might have noticed a distinct downturn in posting activity on this site. The blame for that can be placed solely on ME3’s new multiplayer feature. We’re on Xbox Live every other night anymore, giving Cerberus what-for and telling them exactly where they can put their Indoctrination Devices.

I usually play Asari Adept because I’m a sniper at heart. But last night @regeener, @tea_bird, and @SubitoAllegra convinced me to play on an all-Vanguard squad.

It. Was. Awesome.

Long story short, we started a Twitter hashtag, and I made us a t-shirt*:

I highly recommend playing on Team Vanguard. You hear an awful lot of screaming, and even more shouts of “MY GOD THAT’S A TURRET WHY DIDN’T WE BRING ANYONE WITH TECH POWERS.” Fun for the whole family!

* NOTE: T-shirt cannot be worn during cooldown.

I love my toaster.

Last night I got into a lively debate with my dear friend Laura over something or other related to the quarians and geth. It doesn’t matter exactly what. What does matter is that she refused to acknowledge that the geth counted as people, and in the face of such blatant organicism I took to twitter… where I promptly found out she wasn’t the only one.

Well I will not stand for this. They may not have beating hearts but the geth’s wires are abuzz with the currents of passion and somewhat rational thought. Or maybe just obscure math problems and illicit materials from the extranet, but my point stands: the geth have adorable little flashlights instead of faces. Don’t we owe it to ourselves just to love them?

Shhh, don’t fight it. Just let love lead the way and soon you’ll find yourself teaching the galaxy to sing and maybe even stopping the Reapers with the power of friendship.

At any rate, here’s a bumper sticker for the pro-Geth agenda. Feel free to promote this propaganda to the very ends of the internet.

Commander Gem Shepard

On this most auspicious Femshep Friday I’d like to introduce you to the Shepard we’ll be doing our Gem & Dizzy playthrough with: Commander Gem Shepard.

Commander Gem Shepard: Space, War Hero, General Layabout

When I first rolled my Femshep, she was aspirational. I was an 18-year-old with scraggly blonde hair toying with the idea of becoming a redhead. I also wanted the ability to use space magic, but as I would learn time and again throughout my college career: sometimes dreams just don’t come true. I made her a Vanguard with a ridiculous over-focus on SMGs and set off to learn how to play a shooter for the first time since Jedi Knight: Dark Forces 2.

I gave her quite possibly the least scarring background you can have: Space/War Hero. I feel a little bad about it now–I’ll bet she finds it hard relating to her rather more… experienced crew–but it’s really nice to play as a character who’s had a fairly baggage-free life.

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