It’s Getting Cold In Here…

This is your fridge in ME3. It has two warnings on it. The first warning is a circle-slash guns. No guns. This made sense to me at first.

Next is a circle-slash something else. I’m not exactly sure what. It appears to be head with fringe of some sort, but doesn’t really look like a turian. I suspected it means there’s no dextro food in here, but then where is my dextro food and how come we use a turian for that and not a quarian? Or some other image?

Is it supposed to be an asari? Maybe that picture means that we are out of calamari gumbo. I don’t have a mess sergeant anymore though so I can’t ask! This picture drives me nuts and when I start to stare it to much I start to getotherquestions.

Like why does it say no guns anyways? And no guns where? Don’t put guns in the fridge? Don’t have guns near the fridge? Don’t shoot guns at the fridge?

Fridge, if you can’t handle the occasional firearm, you might be on the wrong spaceship.

Intoxication Theory

Shepard dove into the beam, everyone got really drunk for a while.

“I LOVE YOU MAN!”
“NO I LOVE YOU MAN!”
“NO I LOVE YOU MAN”

Shepard came back (why not, more space magic).

“Guys, what happened, how much did I drink?”
“What happened? What do you mean what happened, what did you DO? We’re ALL like this!”

A husk, a drell, and a batarian are singing.

“WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A DRUNKEN REAPER WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A DRUNKEN REAPER”

Shepard: “Uh, the war is over at least?”

THE NEXT MORNING:

Everyone has a collective hangover. The worst hangover ever.

“no, reaper, no…no ‘bwaaaaa’ or whatever. just shhhh. I have headache. we ALL have headaches.”

PEACE IS ACHIEVED.

BREAK OUT THE ALCOHOL IT IS TIME TO CELEBRATE.

(WE CAN INGEST NOW!)

Touched By an Ang…ry Guy

Shepard finds Javik in Jack’s old hidey-hole.

Shepard: Javik, why do you keep wandering around the ship like this?

Javik: I am touching things.

Shepard: …I wouldn’t recommend that.

Javik: I found something down here

(Holds out hands, revealing that he is holding the space hamster)

Javik: I can sense that he is very nervous and frightened.

Shepard: Awwwwww-

Javik: He pooped in my hand.

 

END SCENE

Huerta Sexmorial Sexpitasex

The Setting: Huerta Memorial Hospital

SEXY DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

The hospital slowly fills with people injured in the Cerberus attack. They are stripped of their clothing and slathered with medigel. Dr. Sexus’s brow drips a single sexy bead of sweat. Nurses and patients and everyone ooh and ahh at his sexiness and doctorness.

DR. SEXUS: Nurse T’Booti?! Report!

NURSE T’BOOTI: Patient was stabbed in the abdomen, Dr. Sexus!

DR. SEXUS: Remove shirt, apply medigel! Next patient!

NURSE ANITA: Gun shot wound to arm, Dr. Sexus!

DR. SEXUS: Remove shirt, apply medigel! Next patient!

 

(THIS GOES ON FOR SEVERAL MINUTES)

 

NURSE T’HOTTI: Dr. Sexus! We have a problem!

Dr. SEXUS: Problem?! How? What is it?

NURSE T’HOTTI: The stab wound victim…well, maybe you better come see for yourself.

Nurse T’Hotti leads Dr. Sexus to a room where Thane lays on bed still bleeding from his abdomen, medigel still not applied. Several nurses lay in a pile at the side of the bed.

NURSE T’HOTTI: Every time they try to remove his jacket to apply the medigel, his sexiness causes them to faint and collapse! We’re already down four nurses, doctor!

Dr. Sexus wipes bead of sweat from brow.

DR. SEXUS: Stand back, nurse! I’ll have to do this myself.

Dr. Sexus approaches Thane’s bed and begins to remove his jacket. It is TOO MUCH SEXY. Suddenly Nurse T’Hotti’s knees go weak and she falls to the floor with the previous nurses that had tried to remove the jacket. A less sexy doctor, Dr. Commin, runs into the room.

DR. COMMIN: Dammit Dr. Sexus! What’s going on in here? Every nurse in the hospital just fainted! Even I’m feeling a little woozy myself.

DR. SEXUS: Curses! Why must Drell wear such amazing jackets? Cannot properly apply medigel! Must apply it over clothing best I can! More patients need our help; suddenly short several nurses. Regrettable.

Dr. Sexus applies gel and begins to leave room.

THANE: It’s too bad you can’t get this jacket off, doctor. I’m even sexier without it.

Somewhere, yet another nurse faints.

Padok-ba-donk-a-donk

In honor of STG salarian, Padok Wiks, we are officially declaring today Padok Day!

You first meet Padok on Sur’Kesh when you start doing genophage stuff and what have you. And if Mordin is dead, Padok Wiks even comes on the Normandy with you! He fits in quite well on the ol’ SR2, where the S stands for Sex (Let’s Talk About It).

Padok, in this case, LOVES to ponder krogan sex:

That is some face.

Did you guys know that Padok is actually an incredibly common salarian name?  It’s true. There are in fact several salarians by that name working with the Alliance today, taking back bases from reapers, geth, and cerberus. It’s like the salarian version of John! (assuming John is still super common in the future).

When you go to deploy your next salarian, why not join Team Padok and name him Padok something? We have a sweet picture to go with it!

And when you head into a gold round, don’t forget your buffs! They’ll get you past round 4!

I Kissed a Turian and I Think I Liked It

Everyone sit down and shut up. Okay I’m sorry, that was a little harsh. Everyone please gather around. I am going to tell you how to romance dudes as a FemShep in Mass Effect. Because look, any choice that isn’t Garrus is wrong.

WARNING: PROCEEDING OPINIONS EXTREMELY BIASED BY LADY BONERS FOR TURIANS.

In Mass Effect 1, your lady Shep can only romance Liara or Kaidan so if you are the boy-kissing type, your options are, well, not options at all. I actually romanced Liara, as Mass Effect 2 had already come out and I already knew that I could get a fun snippy line about Garrus’s calibrations if I romanced her. YES I ROMANCED LIARA FOR ONE LINE OF DIALOGUE LATER.

Let’s…not talk about the awkwardness of some of the shit in ME1 though. Let’s get into the thick of things. Your boy-mancing options for FemShep, starting in ME2, when you actually get some.

1. Garrus: The best. He is in all three games and shows up early in ME2 and ME3. He has a sexy voice. He takes you shooting things. He brings you alcohol. He is pretty much the best. Also you can listen to Brandon Keener makes sex noises in this BMW commercial:

2. Thane: I like Thane, and he also has a pretty great voice. He was always a member of Team Sexy Sniper on my ME2 playthrough. But he is dying. And he dies. And who wants a dead boyfriend? And he talks about his dead wife, like A LOT. You at least get to make out with him in the hospital, and that is pretty awesome. They are pumping pheromones into that place or something.

3. Jacob: First, Jacob gets all the most awkward lines when it comes to romance. He will never be anything but THE PRIZE to most people. I feel if I had been romancing him? I would’ve dumped him right then. “Okay buddy, we’re not saying stuff like that in here. There’s the door.” Then in ME3, you’re in Earth Jail for what? A few months? And he has already run off and gotten a chick pregnant? And then you call him a bastard! WOW! This is all kinds of awkward now! Apparently you and this sit-up machine were not meant to be.

4. Kaidan: Is Kaidan. He loves steak more than he will ever love you. Let it go.

Huerta Sexmorial Hospitsex

It’s time for another scandalous, sexilicious story with!

The Setting: Huerta Memorial Hospital

SEXY DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Dr. Sexus and the human receptionist, Ivanna, climb out from under the receptionist desk VERY INCONSPICUOUSLY. Dr. Sexus straightens his salarian doctor outfit. Ivanna smooths her hair.

Dr. Sexus: Had fun, Ivanna. Now must tend to patients.

Ivanna: OOOH DR. SEXUS. What will we do if your asari girlfriend, Nurse T’Hotti finds out about us?

Dr. Sexus: Not sure. Love you, of course. Must keep this secret for now though.

DR. SEXUS LEAVES

KAIDAN ALENKO’S ROOM

Nurse T’Hotti: This human’s man chest is so large and he has such perky nipples. I think I may love him almost as much as-

DR. SEXUS ENTERS ROOM

Nurse T’Hotti: DR. SEXUS!

Dr. Sexus: Hello love. Is the patient still out?

Nurse T’Hotti: Yes doctor.

NURSE T’HOTTI BATS EYELASHES AT DR. SEXUS.

Dr. Sexus: You are quite lovely, nurse…

DR. SEXUS PUSHES ALENKO’S LEGS ASIDE. THEY DO IT ON THE END OF HIS HOSPITAL BED.

Dr. Sexus: Had fun, now back to patients, love.

IVANNA BURSTS INTO ROOM

Ivanna: Dr. Sexus! I won’t stand for this! I LOVE YOU. Pick now, me or her!

GASPS FROM EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE, EVER.

Dr. Sexus: Ladies! Please! I love you both!

Nurse T’Hotti: I LOVE THIS SHIRTLESS, UNCONSCIOUS MAN IN THE HOSPITAL BED!

MORE GASPS

KAIDAN ALENKO WAKES UP

Kaidan: What in the fuck?

 

 

 

TO BE CONTINUED…!

James Vega Busts Your Cajones

 Hey guys, Sara’s busy making art and I’ve been writing a lot for Shepard, Interrupted so here’s a guest post from James Vega. Enjoy!

-Jordyn (aka Dizzy)

 

Hey pendejos! Summer is almost here and that means it’s time to get ripped. You gotta work off that winter fat from sitting around drinking too many cervezas and squeeze back into your tight armor. And I know what you’re thinking. “James, how could I ever get as strong, fit, and buff as you?” Well don’t worry because I have lots of great tips for you!

Tip #1. Pull ups. Do a lot of pull ups. Start doing pull ups and never stop even when someone is talking to you. Just keep doing pull ups. Can’t do a pull up? Learn to do a pull up! Here are some metatips for doing pull ups.

  1. Grab the bar
  2. Pull yourself up until you are above it.
  3. Lower yourself back down
  4. Repeat

It’s that simple!

Tip #2. Giant weights. I have giant weights and I like to lift them. I also like to lift these giant missile things I keep nearby. Just lift everything you can find. Find it, lift it. Do you need tips on how to lift things too? You are not that estúpido are you? Okay.

Tip #3. Eat lots of huevos.

Tip #4. Vigorous sex. Say with maybe your ship’s shuttle pilot/requisition officer. It doesn’t burn a lot of calories, but it is good for your self-esteem, mood, morale, and it is MUY CALIENTE.

Just follow these steps, chicos and chicas and you will be looking muy bueno before you know it!

And when you get all those muscles, be sure to buy all your shirts a little too small.

Thanks for reading!

It’s The D-O-Single G.

Guess what I’m gonna talk more about? That’s right, multiplayer!

X-Box Live is a wonderful place where all gamers can gather to share in the games they love and let everyone else see the stupid name you gave yourself when you started this account when you were 14, or maybe you’re 14 now and still love names with an X between every letter and then two more at the start and end of your gamertag. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT I DON’T GET IT.

In the ME3 multiplayer experience, I’ve heard some decent stories of playing with randoms (we actually cleared a level! the hosting player didn’t leave in wave 10 for no reason and no one said anything retarded the whole time!) and I’ve heard some horror stories (The hosting player left in wave 10! Everyone booted me for not playing the class they wanted me to! These dudebros couldn’t handle the fact that I’m a girl!)

So yeah, it’s usually best to play with people you at least kind of know and trust not to be asses, but sometimes, you gotta venture into that wilderness.

The other day, Gem and I wanted to throw down a little mp, but it was the middle of the afternoon and our usual group of cohorts weren’t around to join us. We made our own XBL Party, and decided, why not, let’s set the other two slots to public and see what happens.

It started out okay, with someone named “boobit” joining us for a couple rounds while player 4 changed each time, and then suddenly we were joined by a delightful gent by the name of “EMPERORSNOOPDOG”

Now, EMPERORSNOOPDOG had an N7 score of 1. He had not played ANY mp yet, and he had just joined our silver level match with his level 1 soldier.

“oh boy,” we thought, “this oughta be good.”

AND IT WAS.

This poor guy was just ADORABLY stupid. He made every mistake you can make your first time through. He didn’t know where to take cover or where to get ammo. The first time a banshee showed up? He ran RIGHT OVER TO IT like he wanted to hug it.

I did my best to revive him every time he died, but his deaths were often followed in our XBL party by a chorus of “EMPERORNSNOOPDOG NOOOOOOOO!”

Somehow we managed to clear that round, and he leveled all the way to level 8. He stayed around for a few more matches, leveling up to 13, when suddenly we both get a message from him. It said “happy birthday microsoft.”

And then he was GONE.

We miss you EMPERORSNOOPDOG, you magical person, you. Maybe you actually were Snoop Dogg. Maybe you were just high. Maybe you just had no idea what you were doing. You’ll always be a mystery us, but we’ll always cherish the memories we made together.

TO YOU, EMPERORSNOOPDOG.

…To you.

Huerta Memorial Sexpital

The Setting: Huerta Memorial Hospital

SEXY DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

In the corner of one of the many mostly unoccupied rooms (even though there’s apparently tons of refugees and the hospital is over run?), a salarian doctor talks in a low voice to his sexy asari nurse.

Dr. Sexus: I know I am sexiest doctor here at Huerta Memorial, but once this war is over…we can be together. Get a house somewhere, be sexy.

Asari Nurse: Goddamn this war. I just want to be with you, Dr. Sexus!

Dr. Sexus: Patients need me now, dearest.

SUDDENLY FROM THE OTHER ROOM, A HUMAN NURSE YELLS.

Human Nurse: Dr. SEXUS! A PATIENT! IT’S MAJOR ALENKO FROM THE ALLIANCE!

Dr. Sexus breaks his embrace with his asari lover and rushes to the Major’s side.

Dr. Sexus: NURSE! GET THIS MAN’S CLOTHES OFF HIM, STAT!

Human Nurse: Yes, Doctor Sexus!

She quickly rips off whatever Kaidan is wearing.

Dr. Sexus: MEDIGEL!

Human Nurse: (hands him medigel)

Dr. Sexus: (smears the medigel all over Alenko) He should be stable now. Put him in a private room and leave his chest exposed.

Asari Nurse: You’re so brave, Dr. Sexus. I can’t imagine what you might’ve done if he’d been a lady.

Dr. Sexus: Tight shirts with exposed midriffs. Always an option.

NURSES OOH AND AAH AND NEARLY FAINT IN THE PRESENCE OF DR. SEXUS.

 

 

 

TO BE CONTINUED????